I have a bad masturbating problem.

I started cutting again and I am ashamed.

I don’t think anyone understand how much I hate myself.
All I ever do is fuck up. Even when I try my hardest, I still mess everything up.
I’m so fucking unattractive. I hate it.
Some times I wish I could just cut all my fat off and slice my face open.
I rather be ugly by an accident than birth.
I just don’t understand how anyone could ever like me.
Ever.
I really just can’t handle myself anymore.

I’m a disappointment to everyone, including myself.

There is only so much I can deal with.

I keep picturing my brother bawling his eyes out while I try to kill myself.

Here’s the important part.

Tonight yet again, I was going to try and commit suicide.
I actually tried it twice tonight.

The first time I started suffocating myself and stopped went in my brothers room and cried to him.

The second time I did it again this time my little brother ran and my room bawling his eyes out.

There I sit, on my bed strangling a belt/scarf around my neck trying to kill myself. While seeing my brother starring down at me, crying. He made me stop and just held me.
He told me he never wants to loose me. Poor kid.

He saved my life, tonight.

I’m sorry all my posts are usually depressing.

But, I have some confessions.

Today, it really hit home on how much I have fucked up in my life.
I seem to always fuck something up in some way.
I never get what I want or who I want.
Nothing ever goes my way.

I tried killing myself, today.
I was so close, but I just couldn’t do it.

One day I will not be a coward.

Lol. Great.

To all that didn’t know, today marks the one month of not cutting.

I have not cut myself anywhere on body since Christmas.

I feel sort of proud.

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For the past three years, I have hated myself. Maybe even longer than that.
I was at a point, more than once, that I tried to commit suicide. That’s how I am now.
I can’t stand to look in the mirror anymore.
I can’t try on clothes without crying.
I have no one to talk to, because no one ever listens. 
My own mother doesn’t even listen to me.
And I try to talk to my friends about it, but i don’t want to annoy them or make them think I’m looking for attention.
I seriously, can’t sleep because of it.
It really kills me, so much.
I try and I try and I try some more to at least like myself a little bit. But I can’t, I just can’t.
I really can’t.
I’m to the point where I try to avoid all mirrors.
I know it doesn’t seem that way,but that’s how it is.
I try to make people think I have confidence, but I just feel like a liar.
My face has overly broken out from stress.
I wear like fifty pounds of cover up.
I hate going out because I don’t want people to see me.
I used to be bulimic and I feel like I need to go back to that because I have gotten way to big.
And I’m trying so hard to fight the urge of cutting again, trying so hard.
I tried to kill myself three night ago. Even though, I realized how important life is, I still feel like it would be better without me.
I don’t know what to do anymore, I really don’t. 

Everybody I assume has had a low point in their lives. 
I have as well.
Actually, I’m still going through that’ll point.

I can’t help to keep crying because that the only way I can control myself.
I can’t stand looking in the mirror without wanting to take a knife and just cut of all of my fat.
I hate the fact I can’t even look in the mirror without cry as well.
I honestly think I look like a hideous monster that needs to be spent back where it came from.

I’m falling back into my depression, I know all of these feeling far to well.

I keep thinking about how I’m never going to be loved because how disgusting I am. 
That I’m sure people are sick off me complaining about how I look. I just hate myself so much. I do.
I’m honestly the complete opposite of beautiful. Ugh.

Wait till I talk a about how I just want to die,tomorrow. 
Good night.